cleanest water I will ever live around, even compared to the ocean. I’ve never crossed over the ocean, or been very far out. I did see the Gulf Stream, you can actually see it, the huge global current is a different color.Deep Indigo in a sea of green. It meant a lot to me to see that, obviously because I was 15 when I did and I brighten at the memory every time. I was thrown into witnessing the very most wonderful thing about being alive, to see such a thing, and a month before, just barely, I came home to find that my mother did not think living was all that. She chose death. I would still love to be able to ask her why and get a chance to speak with her about it. But of course the answer is still that she was “out of her mind”.

I just dont get it though. Even the most basic things about life, if you have the basics, water, air, earth, sun, (fire), that is more than enough to keep a person in awe for as long as they could be.

Right now its January 23 2018, and it is raining and above freezing.There is not much snow cover because it rained last week too. And the water rushing over the ice in the road and the ditch and the side of the road, is the cleanest water.Of course it has sand and dirt and bits in it, but you know what I mean.It’s coming from the sky and it’s coming from the melt off the top of the mountain just up the road and left of my house. I would watch it melt off and stream away down towards the river at the bottom of the hill.I would watch it for hours, as all the twigs and pine needles and pebbles of delightful patterns and white quartz become free of the ice and snow .


Water is one good god damn reason to stay alive.Maybe that’s why they baptize with it. The element itself, eventually does surrender, but it’s sustainability and longevity and tenure is eternal enough for my lifetime. But it is not infinite, non of the elements are. It seems the natural state of the Universe in comparison, or at least the other spheres of mass and carbon and rock, are dead. Dead as the surface of Mars, which I’ve seen red colored pictures of, and Dead as the Moon, all chalky and dusty and boring af.

There are beliefs that the Arabian Desert covers earth that was rich with growth and soil, that it was green and fertile. Eden? Someone had a collective memory spun into myth about that Garden. Guarded by an arch Angel, Michael, with a flaming sword. No one gets in.

Is that Paradise? It is referred to  as such. Eden, a place that was, or a place that is, IF you are dimensionally prepared for it. Your final destination, pre sand Egypt, a parallel “place” that your conscious soul goes to. “I will be in Paradise with you later today, bro”.

Right now, it’s raining on snow and ice and it is foggy and cold. Too cold to go out and listen to the water moving down down down to the River. There’s no desert here. No need to go seeking gardens under centuries of sand and wind.

Ocean of Joy or Jejune Moon bright on a dark night? I like to think that Karma is dimensional, and in many of those dimensions, there are the familiar elements, enough to go around, for everyone.

What would be the karma of the men who kicked the barrels and bottles of Aqua over, in the desert. What would be the karma of the people who bring the water and put it there, for people willing to escape whatever it is they are escaping, to come to a place where they are at the same time, welcome, and demonized. Who gets to live in the desert next go around? Who gets to sit on the moon and look at us, acting like life isn’t worth having an easy passion for?


far rockaway christmas

far rockaway christmas

this holiday comes in a harsh month.the east coast is cold, the hardwood trees are dormant and safely wrapped in their bark. in copses and shallow wooded areas around cities, their roots seek purchase in the rubble soil of landfill. The sparse urban parks placed by city planners on what was a swampy wet land, matted and webbed ,with salt water refreshing it twice daily.  Occupied with the sound of gulls and scurrying crustacean creatures. when I stood waiting for the infrequent bus, on holiday schedule, I could know this. I saw the pavement and asphalt concrete boulevard as the thinnest crust. I knew the swamp was there. Just walk two big blocks at the end of Queens, and there was the ocean, it hung over the streets and in the air and the miles and miles of traffic lights glowing hazy.Yes the air is salty.

to this day if there are buses in my dreams, they are not calming or adventourous. buses are anxiety vehicles in my dreams. they seldom come before you get cold or harrassed on weekends and holidays, at night. for those of us who work nights, the holidays are the worst for public transportation. Out in Far Rockaway, the city stretches for miles . Miles of empty buildings, blocks of developements, half public housing and half older residents. The mechanics shops, one aging supermarket, the public school, the waterworks dept building, all empty. Occasional cars go by, someone comes out of the door in an apartment building, I watch everything, and wait and wait for that bus, that ferry, that air boat over the swamp. They have a sway to them, the buses. You see them approaching, bumping over potholes and crevices in the asphalt, and they rock, like a rectangular boat would.

I never wear a watch, I don’t like having bands , either leather or metal, around my thin wrists, but I got off duty at 11pm and have been standing on this sidewalk for less than 15 minutes and more than 10. My feet are cold but I try to remember I am standing on sand, standing in the reeds, that somewhere layers under my feet, is the memory of the wetlands , and that all that scurrying and squirming in the mud generates warmth, that motion is energy and that energy heats. I stomp my feet and bounce my legs, flap my arms, try to stay warm. If I light a ciggerette, the bus will come, and I can take it to the subway, and take the subway into lower Manhattan, and possibly meet some friends and celebrate the holiday one more year.If only the bus would come, I could lift a glass and hang out with the girls, and tell them I had to take an air boat to get there, and they would laugh.




It’s Different for me, dear neighbors. And there was a time it was different for you, too.

My age comes up when I want to write, because I am dealing with it as a vantage point now. It is long enough to measure , and the instrument to measure with is not cake, or party, or bottles or landmark.

Where I came from, there was never such a thing as a good guy with a gun. There were western movies, they had guns, but they never looked good to me. The guys I mean. They would interupt criminal activity, but they were not very appealing in any way. I mean any way for real because I am a dyke and I was then too. But if there was portrait of the type of man that I would pay money to not sit next to on a train, he would look similiar to the characters in an american western. So, no, from where I come from, there were no good guys with guns. I don’t think anyone in my family hunted, even extended family. Fishing, yes, many of us enjoyed fishing, that cold and scaled form of killing.

On to the 60’s and guns were still not okay, I was extremely shy of the idea of violent revolution involving weapons such as guns. The thought of knife fights among gangs was disturbing enough. Cops had guns, Soldiers had guns, Gangsters had guns, Hillbillies had guns, Dangerous people had guns.

It was not until my eyes were opened by the Black Power movement, that I saw that, yes, sometimes good guys had to have guns to protect themselves. Yes, if the oppressed had a weapon of equal destruction, maybe some harrasment and abuse would back off.

Of course that did not succeed. Oppression did not stop, it just went undercover to rise again in the murder of civilians, particularly Black civilians, by a different kind of cop. A cop raised not on westerns but on constant war and violent media, and a new kind of glory attached to it.

And guns, oh my the guns!

I will tell you that terrorism of this kind works, because somewhere inside I am terrified, and getting old and slow and frail does not help.

I never knew a hero with a gun. I have seen guns up close only rarely. I have lived my life without them, or the need for them. I shot one off, about 4 times I think. I hated it in my hand and I hated what came out of it, and my eardrums were probably harmed. I was disgusted when I realized that it was a machine made for just one thing.

Am I a liberal? No, no I don’t think so. I am a Marxist. I do not believe in a Welfare State, but it has to be so until things get right. I do think the gun violence in Chicago is carnage that is not brought up in the media enough. I do believe in regulating guns, and to hell with the 2nd amendment. But I also know that the people who would ship me to Cuba for my statements, are many and they are organized, and, they have guns. They believe we live in a Godless society and that they are ordained by GOd to defend their faith. Which is ridiculous except that they are convinced their faith is under attack, (thus the right to bear arms). This is not some Black Panther defense, these people are not being attacked, but there are folks (politicians) and business people, who tell them that they are.

Somewhere inside I am terrified.

Makes a person want to stay right inside. Deer season starts this weekend I think. There are people with guns all around where I live. No, it’s not criminal. Most of the men up around here work in contracting, some own businesses,  a few loggers , and they have guns and they go and shoot animals when the season allows. I am not afraid of them, but the fact that they are weaponized would give me pause if they needed a dressing down.

Why the need for such a thing? Such a life and death piece of equipment that you wear, like an accessory?  Who is going to hurt you, baby boy? What are you afraid of? Should I blame your parents? Should I blame the life you were born into that was life and death from the start? I have compassion, but the ground needs to be levelled here, justice,  fair, safe, unarmed.

It is not fair to me , as a citizen, to have you walk among us, with your nuerosis and fear and triggered testosterone, wanting to go bang bang.

You can say that it is a cultural thing, fine, but I don’t think it is. This shit started when Janet Reno was Attorney General and the Waco tragedy happened. There were always wackos, but the anti government wackos organized around the civil rights movement, and then got their strength with the Waco thing and then the internet. Southern Crackers allied with Northern Bushmen, Survivor types and sometimes I think meth heads, and here we are.

I’m going to pray for myself, and try to think of other ways we can fight this gun madness with other things than votes. Those of us who live in a rural state like Vermont ,be aware that the 2nd amendment radicals are many.

I think we have to stay away from the words gun control and start looking and feeling and using the word public safety. We have to insist that authorities label these mass murders as terrorism. We should refuse to go to any venue, or to check in any hotel, that does not scan for weapons or ask that long guns be locked in a safe.

Once upon a time long ago in NYC, in the seventies, early seventies, I had rode my bike from Brooklyn to Mid town, to meet a woman for dinner. She worked somewhere near there, and so I sat by the Time Life fountain, after riding around and smoking a joint. So I was looking, people watching, it was getting near 5pm and it was crazy busy, and loud, and polluted. The weed was good sativa, so I was alert and thoughtful. Right there and then I knew I had to leave, get out of the city and make my plan and path in that direction. I don’t mean that night, I meant that was my goal. This was decided on by the realization that a crowd of masked asleep people scurrying around like insects, could be mown down by a terrorist attack.

That is my confession of where my fear of random violence came from. After these past years, it seems I can’t blame it on the weed.

I do not think living in an unarmed society will make Hitler happen again, or Mao, or anything like that. I think Americans are too savvy for that, too mixed and diverse for that. But we sure are scared, aren’t we?

Frost on Pentacost

First frost October 1st.I sadly see the Zinnias gorgeous deep red.A warm color, a hot color, did not save it from the after midnight cold. The pumpkin leaves wilt, so did the young kale plants, my 68th Autumn has arrived, and I am apprehensive about time and aging. I do not like feeling this way. I would like to think that I am deep enough to not be bothered by it, but it is the disability since late last winter and all Spring and summer that has left me stunned. Becoming unable to work, which somehow I thought was a gaurentee till I was close to 80, is terrifying. I mistook my willingenss and joy of difficult work as immunity. That willingness and attitude has housed and fed and clothed me for most of my life, there was never anyone willing to do that, instead, I was the provider. I was the one you could depend on for a roof and a meal and warmth. I can see why people my age cash in and either live in one room or something on wheels. I am not bitter, just frightened.

I love my small plot and the dirt that grows dinner and beauty. No one here loves it as I do. And that is one of the loneliest feelings. I was useless to keep the Zinnia going longer than she was able, with the seasons change. Humbling.

some peoples minds go blank

But mine goes yellow. Great streaks of yellow, bright graffiti of yellow. Riding the Amtrak into the Bronx, polluted small cliffs of rock, iron sweat marks and the smudge from exhaust, decades of it. That is my brain on depression, and I fight back with yellow, streaking the side of that rock.Or, as a passenger, I cheer it on as the window I look out of rolls on the rails right by it. It’s the center line , geometrically perfect, ribboned on black asphalt. Forsythia, yellow bird lemon. Grapefruit in November.

It wakes me up around 3 between 4, always has been that way. My brain becomes a bright room, with enormous windows and sun pouring through. Yellow snapdragons, not a trace of orange.

It’s a memory of the sun when everything is raining, and your fields are flooded. Anything with wings would unfold in a heartbeat at the glimpse of it.

I woke up at the inexact time between 3 and 4 am. I stretched my legs and put them up on the headboard, moving the blood . It felt good. I got up to pee and on the way back turned off the lamp that was left on in the living room. Turned on the laptop to find out about the storm, the hurricane, named Irma. I could not envision it. Instead there was yellow.

To think of being deprived of yellow, the mind reaches for the light and turns on the lamp. Not the environmentally safe lamp. The lamp with the bulb that operates on electricity which makes a filament glow. It’s warm and bright, like the sun. The anti-hurricane.

The climate will never be the same, they say. It will rain near the oceans, and rain a lot. There’s no place for that moisture to go except back to the earth. b3a9066a4dc95a929016a984a0b512d2--pierre-bonnard-paradise